Rainbows

Today has been a really good day.  The hubby let me sleep in and held the fort down while I caught up on much needed zzzs and then we grilled out with the girlies and I worked on the yard just a little bit while waiting on the food to get done. We danced and sang our hearts out and then chowed down and started a movie. As usual in our house it takes a long time to finish any movie we start cuz of all the potty breaks or random arguments that break out with 3 girls snuggled up together, its the same story every time, Rachel is the oldest and thinks shes the boss over the younger ones, which sometimes I do put her in charge and she takes it VERY seriously. Charly asked my sister the other day if I used to boss her around when we were little and Chels told her it never ends. I told her to get used to it, that it comes with the territory of being the oldest child. But, today there hasnt been any fighting or chaos, the kids are getting along and in an even rarer occasion the grown ups in this circus are getting along pretty good too.

So a little while ago (during a break from the movie) River spotted a rainbow. Sure enough from my front door for about 10 minutes I swear we had the most beautiful view in the world. I have seen plenty of rainbows, but what I have never seen until today was 3 little girls so excited and in awe over something so simple. They were so fascinated and amazed at how pretty it was. They have seen rainbows before now but for some reason this just felt different, it was just such a surprise, and the icing on the cake of a really perfect day. Rachel, Charly and River stood at our door and looked at that rainbow until it was completely faded away, like they were the only people in the world that got to see it and they just wanted to soak it all in, Rachel told the girls that God made it expecially for them. 

How many beautiful miracles do we see everyday?? And how often do we stop to take the time to treasure them? More often than not I think we all are so caught up in the everyday rushing routine that we forget to stop and breathe it all in. Our kids wont be little forever and before we know it they will have there own lives and there own problems and a rainbow wont matter to them as much as it did today. They will grow up and forget to pay attention to lifes little treasures. Maybe I dig to deep into it, but I would really like to think that my girls will always appreciate the simple beauties that this world has to offer, I know a rainbow isnt that big a deal, but imagine seeing it the way a child does and that changes everything.

rainy days

       Today has been awful. I literally had maybe an hour of sleep last night. Summer is cutting teeth, Rachel and Charly both woke up in the middle of the night from the thunderstorm, and it feels like all 3 kids are never asleep at the same time. Its very hard to keep up with them. Then I feel bad because I'm crabby and don't have the energy to play or hang out with them like we used to.  If it hadn't been for my mama watching the kids for me long enough to take a quick bath theres no telling when I would've had another chance to take one. And if she hadn't have brought the baby back up to the apt. while I was in there, there's a huge possibility I could've drowned. I am that tired that if I wouldve had a chance to relax that wouldve been all she wrote. Could you imagine..."woman drowns in bathtub from severe exhaustion" thats a headliner for ya.   

      Anyway, as you can see, I made it out alive and even managed to squeeze in a few minutes to tell ya'll about my day while Summers catchin some zzzz's.   I have been in the worst mood all day, partly from lack of sleep but maybe a little bit resentment of all the super mamas out there who can do it all and look beautiful doing it. I look like death when I wake up and sometimes I feel like theres not enough war paint in the world to get me ready for the day. Wouldnt have the energy to put it on anyways. But somehow I make it through the day, but I dont want to just survive my day, and count the hours til bed time, I want to enjoy every minute.  But most of the time I'm to tired to care if I have cereal in my hair or a marshmallow stuck to my butt (its happened), I have walked around for days with 1 eyebrow tweezed and finally realized I forgot to do the other 1. Whats wrong with me? Is it normal to be this tired?  

     Earlier today, even though its been raining off and on its been pretty warm outside and the girls have been playing. It started sprinkling again so I stepped outside to tell them to come in and they were dancing in the rain and Rachel reminded me of the time me, her and charly were painting with finger paints and just went crazy and started painting eachother. We were all on the front porch in birchwood, tn. And it had started to rain and we went and danced in it, painted head to toe in all different colors. We had a blast and even though they were so little they remember it. Im no fun anymore, and that makes me sad. My girls are so much fun and I feel like I am missing it, and I am with them all day every day. So anyways, I guess thats all for now, the munchkins awake again.

God

    These last few days have been a huge wake up call for me. After whats happened in Japan, I have thought about how precious time is, and how you just never know when your time will come. I have been to church but not enough. I have talked with my girls about God and what Jesus did for us but not enough. I dont want this to sound crazy but here it goes... Its made me think that maybe just maybe that all the signs in Revelations are happening, have been happening for awhile now and right now, its not to late to get our act together.  I am always the first to panic when things go bad, but somehow I think that right nows a good time to be seriously getting closer with God, whether its time for Jesus to come back or not, I dont wanna go through this crazy life without him. 

   I don't stop long enough sometimes to appreciate how very blessed I am.  We all gripe about how we want what other people have or get jealous that others have the "perfect" life. We complain about how hard our life is and forget about all the good things in life, like our healthy children or, tiny apartments, atleast its a home. Just the other day I saw a tent under the bridge on my way to the mall, somebody was sleeping out in the cold and I'm going to get my hair done?? And I complain about how awful I have it? We are all a little selfish sometimes, always wanting more when there is someone out there who dreams of what we have, and we take it for granted. I know my kids are safe when they go to bed tonight, but there is a mama out there somewhere that doesnt know where her baby is. My point is, God gave us the life we have for a reason. The least we could do is appreciate the simple blessings we get to have in it.

     For a long time I have been so angry. I have been hurt. I let that hurt change how I felt about things and for along time, I let that ruin my faith. I believed in him until everything went wrong and thats when I needed him the most. I havent lived the way I should have. God gives us tests, but gives us the answers if we listen, but I failed mine cuz I shut him out. Slowly I was able to put the past behind me and realized that he was right there with me all along.   Its really sad that it took an earthquake to make me stop and think.

    With everything going on in the world right now, its nice to know that I have the man upstairs on my side. 

thankful

  I had my first baby at 17 and from that day on my world changed. It wasnt about me anymore. The days of perfect jeans and LBd's were over, my brand of perfume was honeysuckle and spit up and to be honest I thought it was perfect and couldnt imagine what life was like before being a mother. My highlights or rare trips to get my hair done were over with and replaced by natural shimmery highlights that only kids can give you.

      Her father is my husband and we've had 2 more children together since then. The statistics were that we would be divorced by now. But we are still here, a team. Our main focus has always been the girls.

I have never been the perfect mother. I think every mama has those days where you just sit and imagine just 1 minute of peace and quiet, or a day without kids to just relax or even get things done that seem impossible when they are home and need something. But when I do get those few minutes or hours without the girls, im to exhausted to think about catching up on laundry or cleaning and im the kind of person that if everythings not where it should be, it makes me crazy. I have always wanted things to be a certain way, well, my way. Before I had kids, everything had its place. I feel like if the house is chaos, then life is chaos, and that we dont have control of any situation. I know that might sound a little crazy, but thats me.

   Its really amazing how becoming a mother changes you. In a way, I know that Rachel helped me grow up and showed me whats important in life. When Charly came along, that little angel taught me patience and quick reflexes when it comes to first aide. Little miss Summer has reminded me of just exactly how much I really took for granted sleep, and how even when she wakes up in the middle of the night and I look like a crazy person with bed head, rockin her and singing her back into dreamland, that I am loved. There is really nothing like holding a baby while they drift off to sleep. Its fascinating mixed with scary knowing that she depends on you to protect her from this crazy world we live in.

    My girls are precious and each 1 of them teach me something new everyday, when most of the time I try to be the teacher. I am so blessed and very thankful that God chose me to be their mama. I have been asked plenty of times if I regret becoming a mother so early, that I didnt have a chance to really live. Well, the way I see it is, meeting my husband and having Rachel, is what saved me at a time in my life when I was headed the wrong way.

   It hasnt been easy and we have had our share of bad times. But the good times definately outnumber the bad. Tonight, as we all snuggled up watching Tangled, Summer sawing logs in my arms, and the girls fighting over who had more blankets and munching down on trail mix, I thought to myself that life couldnt be more perfect.

 

Jeans

       For a long time, I thought that maybe 1 of the worst things I could do as a mother, would be to pamper myself instead of the girls. By "pamper myself" I mean, shopping for clothes, or getting my hair done, or even a night out with my hubby or a girls night. I always rationalized not buying for myself by thinking of things the girls needed more. In the last couple weeks, I have struggled with this "focus on me" project of mine. My appearance is something that has bothered me for awhile now. I know I said earlier that when people look at me, I dont feel like they are really seeing ME. I don't want that to sound vain in some way, I just know that what I see when I look in the mirror, doesn't seem to reflect who I am.

         As a mama its hard to put yourself first sometimes. I have always felt that if there was something I needed, that it could wait. I remember my mama plenty of times going without, to make sure me and Chels had what we needed. Now knowing what she went through to make sure we were ok, I could kick myself for not being a little more appreciative. We complained so much that other kids had cooler clothes or better things, when really we were so blessed and didn't realize it then.

      Every parent wants their kids to have it better than they did. I don't mean that I had an awful childhood. Every family has their issues or problems. Life has its struggles. Im very grateful for how we were raised and I really hope that my kids can look back 1 day and say the same thing. We were raised with lots of love and....gasp..we didnt absolutely die from not having expensive jeans or sometimes the "it" clothes. We grew up knowing that no matter what life throws at you, it could only knock you down if you let it. To be really honest I dont think God or anyone else cares about what brand your jeans are. 

          So, when it comes to buying something for myself, the guilt kicks in, and I feel bad. I always ask myself whether or not its something I can live without. So, last week, even though I havent lost a single pound since I started this diet, I feel different. While at the mall (we were taking the girls out for the day) I looked at jeans. They were only supposed to be motivational. I was intentionally trying on jeans that I knew wouldnt fit until I had lost a few pounds. Well, they fit!!! For some freak of nature reason, they fit perfectly. So, standing in that dressing room, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "hey look at me, I shimmied into impossible jeans", it hit me that I couldn't possibly buy them. Im all about pinching pennies and I could use that money on something for the kids. Chelsea talked me into getting them, and im glad I did. If, im going to continue this diet, and focus on me, part of it, has to start with the way I feel about myself. And let me tell you, those jeans seriously helped my mood. Its not about the brand, its about the size. It was a present to ME for working so hard to be able to buy that size. It really wasnt a huge milestone or even a big deal, but, I felt in my heart a little pitter patter of hope, that the old me is in there somewhere and that hopefully someday soon, I will see her again.

     I see now, that it isnt the end of the world, if I focus on me. It not all about me but just because im a mom, that doesnt mean that I dont have needs or wants too. By taking care of myself or splurging occasionally on crazy jeans that make me feel good,  it will help me stay on this path to a happier healthier me.
  

Coupons

Last Tuesday my mama talked me into going to a coupon class with her. I was very skeptical because I thought that it was a crock and a waste of time, I mean how hard is it to clip coupons and hand them over to a cashier if ya buy something on them???? Well let me tell ya, there is DEFINITELY a trick to it and I am very glad we went.

So, today, we thought we would try it out. We have been clipping coupons since the class and had them all sorted and organized to use them today, since Sundays are when sales start. So my, hubby kept the girls while we set out to test the coupon craze. Me, Chels and mama stopped at Mcdonalds to fuel up on coffee and to make sure our coupons were loaded onto our Kroger card.  I am usually strictly Walmart ( I love that store, so I felt a little traitorous going to Kroger) Now, before that class, I wasn't to proud or embarassed to use coupons I just thought it was a waste of time and effort, but with a family of 5 and my husband carrying the burden of bills since I dont work (well if you can call raising 3 girls not working), I think that if I can pinch a penny, I should. So while sitting there at mickeydees we joked about how this was crazy and we should give up and go home, that there were just to many and it was very overwhelming.    

We didnt chicken out and walked into that store thinking that there was no way this could actually work but, at check out, I thought  I was gonna faint and surely there would be pics of me up the next time I came in there. I feel like I was paid to take some of it home. I felt like there was no possible way that the total was right. I got a $6.... 24 pack of charmin tp for free, wipes for the baby for free, and my total was $197 before coupons, once I swiped my Kroger card and handed him the coupons, it was $109.   I cant believe all this time I have been buying groceries, when they will practically give them to you!   Every single thing that I bought with coupons, I was going to buy anyways so why not save some money?

Times are tough. I sincerely hope you will try this out, you will kick yourself for not doing it sooner. 

couponcoach@groups.facebook.com

Reading

As a stay at home full time 24/7 mama, I have moments sometimes good, sometimes bad, that make me stop and think about whether I am doing this job, that God gave me, right. Before I had the baby, me, Rachel and Charlybug had a system that worked for us, a routine. After welcoming little miss Summer into our family 6 months ago, our world was turned upside down with dirty diapers and zero sleep, and ooey gooey sweetness. My girls are perfectly imperfect and I am so blessed. 

I home school, and with 3 kids, it has been a challenge. After having the baby, I kind of turned her into a "home school experience" for the girls and having the chance to sit down with them to do book work has been next to impossible. Summer is spoiled rotten (every baby should be) and requires constant attention, she wants eye contact or the fit starts. She is in my lap right now and im actually starting to be able to type pretty good 1 handed :)  Anyways, back to my point ( I get side tracked a lot) the girls and I fit in school time whenever we can, I kind of put my faith in the idea that as long as we were living a "learning lifestyle" that this would work out. We even learned a little French and German together.

 During my pregnancy, I stayed so sick that we did all our work in bed, cuddled up. Me and Rachel took turns reading to Charly. Even though she wasnt in school yet, I took every opportunity to include her while me and Rachel conquered first grade. Now that Charly is in kindergarten, reading has been our main focus, and its something that the girls can do together, if I am preoccupied with the baby. 

Tonight in honor of Dr. Seuss birthday, we thought it would be fun to set up camp in the living room, bake cookies and read some of his books. Rachel read 1 out loud so Charly wanted her turn. I didnt want to tell her no, but I figured that we still have a lot of work to do in that area. I have struggled to learn the right way to teach her to read. She picked up the book and told me she could do it, and she did!! She read me the entire book. Proud is an understatement for how I felt.   

The Vreader I got for her just a week ago has made such a huge difference, I wish I would have had it sooner. Every home school mama has their own method of how they choose to do things. Somehow, I just know that I have done something right. It may not sound like much, it was just 1 book, but to me it means so much. I havent been a complete slacker when it comes to their schooling, but I feel like its never enough. But right now I feel like if I can teach a child to read, the sky is the limit.

Dont quit

Yesterday, I felt pretty bad after steppin on that scale and realizing that nothings changed. But after pep talks from a few friends and a "drill sergeant" quote from my sis ("You can scream, yell, swear, shout, cry, whimper, grunt, bleed, puke and pass out. JUST DON'T QUIT!")  that made me laugh I knew that I was a little unreasonable thinken that this would be so easy and the pounds would just melt off just from squeezing a few minutes a day in on the wii fit, and staying away from chocolate and pops and salt and vinegar chips (which by the way sound heavenly right now)..ok getting sidetracked thinken about food.    Here is a cute little poem about dieting....

Don't Quit

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,
And you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about being healthy and thin.
So What! You went over your points a bit,
It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!
It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change.
It's learning the skills to get back in your range.
It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow."
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal.
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,
If you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when loosing their grip,
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done,
that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,
but facing each challenge will help you grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it....But don't you quit!
- Author Unknown

Discouragement

Today has really not been good for me. I have tried so hard this week to to stay away from bad foods. I gave up drinking pop which has been really hard and Ive completely cut out sugar ( well besides the 100 calorie packs which have about 2 cookies in them, but I was only having 1 a day) Instead of burgers if we are out and stop to eat, its been grilled chicken and salads with wine vinegar dressing. I have been drinking lots of water and when I felt like I just had to eat something I have had a cup (instead of a bowl) of Special K. Every day this week I have stuck with 1200 calories a day. I have come nowhere close to eating as much as I was before I started this diet.

Me and chels thought it was time to weigh ourselves just out of curiosity and I have gained weight! How does that happen? What I want to do right now is just go get an xtra large pizza with every topping you can think of and just polish off the whole thing by myself. Starving myself all week has been completely pointless. To make it 10 times worse, Chels has lost weight since we started this diet together. I am happy for her, I really am, but I am the 1 thats 40 pounds overweight. 

Im not asking for sympathy, dont get me wrong, I know I am the 1 who got myself this way. I just know that I am not exactly sitting on my butt all day whining about being fat, I am up and trying to do something about it and I gain weight????

So, after crying for a good 15 minutes and resisting the urge to head straight to the fridge, I started doing some research and asked Chelsea to go the store to pick up a few things so I can make sure this week is different.

               http://www.nowloss.com/foods-not-to-eat-when-trying-to-lose-weight-dieting.htm

Here are just a few quotes I found while looking for weight loss tips....

To put food and weight behind you, you will need to choose life. Choosing life means showing up with your full presence in the world. Permanent weight loss is the work of opening your heart to all that is good in you and in the world.  It means living a life of gratitude. When you feel better, you eat better. 

Discouragement

  "If you've invested enough effort and energy to get discouraged, you're well on your way to success. Discouragement is a certain weigh station on the road to any worthwhile achievement.
   If you know and care enough to be discouraged, you've made considerable progress. Learn what the discouragement has to teach you and then continue moving forward. It may seem as though you'll never make it, but in reality you're already there. Discouragement tempers and hardens you; it does not stop you.
   Reflect on your discouragement and you'll discover that it is a result of your commitment. You've already invested your time, your effort, your life. Soon, you'll reap the full reward of that investment. Let discouragement spur you on.
   Motivation is born of desire. The stronger the desire for something, the stronger the motivation.    Endeaver to keep the promises we make to ourselves... We deserve to be treated with the same love and respect that we would give to others....."

Tornado mornings

After living in Tennessee most of my life, I have kinda got used to weird weather, it rains all the time there, sometimes its so hot out that you pray for rain and its lovely. Tornado watches or warnings are expected and gos with the territory. That is not a normal thing in WV. 
The first week we were here there was a tornado not to far away from where I live now, and I was told that it was a "once in a lifetime thing, or that never happens here" Me and Chelsea joked at the time that we must have brought them with us from TN. 

I have never once in my life been scared of a thunderstorm, sometimes a storm and a good book is all you need for a perfect evening. I've spent plenty of nights in the bathtub with a radio and snacks waiting it out, but this morning I was scared. Go figure the 1 day Summer decides to sleep in (the sound of rain must have helped) the winds start picking up and next thing I know Im sleepwalking to my front door because I hear my mama screaming help. I open the door and shes hanging on for dear life because the wind almost knocked her off my porch. 

Thats when I realized what we were dealing with. In a frenzie we gathered up the kids to rush them to my grandmas, next door. After growing up in Tn. we take black skies and strong winds very seriously and with 3 kids im not taking any chances. We knew it would be safer next door, just in case. The girls were scared and I dont blame them, it sounded like our roof was fixen to fly off.
Once we were next door and adrenaline wore down, we were laughing, that is until Rachel realized we forgot our cat Bella and Beta fish that weve had for years, poor Bubba got left behind too. 

I promised the girls that they would be okay but I was worried, we love Bella and I thought what a shame would it be for Bubba to live this long, survive the journey to WV in a Folgers can (which we forgot in the trunk for 2 days once we got here) and then die in some... freak tornado whatever in West by gosh Virginia.  I just couldnt let him go out like that.
 Just then my hubby made it home from work and we all came back up to the apt. together. Its silly now but I hope I never wake up like that again, I usually get to have a cup of coffee or 2 before the chaos starts.

shopping with kids

Today, my hubby and I thought we would take the kids shopping. It was awful, no point in sugar coatin it. The idea was to grab a quick bite to eat (options for something close to healthy at a fast food place are pretty limited), then we were going to search for a new couch. Im picky (that was the understatement of the century) and new that it would be an all day thing. I pretty much thought we were all on the same page when we left the house. But in normal Bowman style our plans NEVER work.

First I have to back track to lead up to the events of today. Yesterday my niece was sick, poor thing couldnt hold food down and was in bed all day. Not our normal River. So needless to say the girls were separated yesterday. This morning Chels woke up and couldnt find her phone, she searched everywhere, come to find out, it was at the bottom of little miss Rivers puke bucket (sorry if that was to much info) so chels wanted to meet up with us to go buy a new 1......Omygosh you woulda thought these kids hadnt seen eachother in years! Once the crew was reunited they bounced around every store like they had secret stashes of chocolate in there cute little purses.

You've seen it, the 1 crazy family in the store that lets everyone know they are there. That was us right smack dab in the middle of the fanciest furniture place I have ever seen, we thought it was an outlet store with couches in our price range, NOT. These couches were the kind that you dont sit on, they were decorations. My kids didnt think so, they plopped down on just about every one of them. Even though I knew it was dangerous for my girls to be around anything in that price range, I still wanted to walk around and look at all the stuff. Just for a few minutes I wanted to imagine what life would be like with furniture with Xtreme caution tape around it.

Usually my girls are good when we are out, but not today. About 2 hours into our little outing I couldnt help but just stop and cry in the car, I was so irritated. I have always been the kinda person that, if I want something done, I need it done today. Patience is not 1 of my strong points. After giving up on the idea of finding a couch it was time to pick up a few groceries. Taking 4 kids to walmart is always interesting but surprisingly it went ok, I even remembered to get milk, its very rare that I leave a store with what I actually went in to get. 

Tonights my husbands first night workin 3rd shift in awhile and the girls decided its time to party down and see how long they can stay up, but there plan will back fire. They will be waking up bright and early with there own special list of chores for the day. Mama laws in town.

Subway

Last night while me and chels were out running errands, our tummys started talkin (read somewhere that you aint supposed to eat til your stomach starts growling) so we decided to stop in at subway and split a wheat bread sub.    So there we were arguing over what we could and couldnt get on it and decided on wine vinegar dressing instead of our normal more goop and toppings sandwich. The "sandwich artist" behind the counter OBVIOUSLY new we were attempting to diet. So, what does he ask us while ringing us up???.... Would you girls like a cookie??? I have a feeling he has no clue how close he came to being physically injured over a simple question.  I literally imagined myself hopping over the counter and kicking him because yes I did want a cookie, I wanted that cookie more than anything, but I couldnt.   So, me and Chels sat outside in her car eating our delicious cardboard subs in peace and quiet when I know that both of our thoughts were on that warm gooey cookie less than 20 feet away.   This diet will probably be the hardest thing I will ever do.  My will power is running a little low.

Forgiveness

             "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. " 

I dont know who wrote that but I think that truer words have never been spoken. Ive been thinking about why I am struggling with my weight and realized that alot of pounds have been tacked on with comfort food.

Over the years I have let way to many people get to me, and I can look back and know exactly when it started. I have stayed so angry at people who probably have no idea they hurt me so bad or could care less for that matter, but all this time I have been letting them win by holding on to anger and stuffin it down with a bag of oreos or polishing off a bag of chips instead of talking to someone.   I need to forgive, but can I? A part of me wants revenge, for them to suffer, but the christian part of me wants to call these people up and tell them I love them regardless of how they feel or what they did, and pray for them. But at the same time, just thinken about the situation makes me angry all over again to the point where I know im not ready either way. Im just stuck in this endless teeter totter of love and hate.

You know that saying"everything happens for a reason"? Well when I look back at all that has happend, I dont see any reason behind it. And why, in all thats happend am I the only 1 who just cant let it go? I guess the person I need to forgive the most is myself.  I need to forgive myself for letting them hurt me and my family, I need to forgive myself for holding onto this hurt to the point where I have let it change who I am so drastically that its affected my attitude along with my weight. I guess the fact that its been 4 years and there has never been any closure to it, is 1 reason why it still bothers me this much.

The dixie chicks song "not ready to make nice" came out around the time my husband and I were struggling to keep our family together, when it felt like the odds were against us.  Music along with food has always been my therapy when times got tough, I felt like in some crazy way that song was written for me. I would blast it and cry my heart out, now I cant listen to it because it takes me back to that time. 

I realize theirs a very strong woman inside me that stood up for my babies but never stood up for myself. Its amazing what your capable of when the mama bear instincts kick in. We are fine now, no longer in "survival mode" but I'm not sure when I will fully be able to forgive, I should be over it by now, but im not.  I can think of all sorts of reasons to forgive and reasons why I just cant.      

All I do know is that if I am going to stay on this path of a better me, I need to tackle ALL of my problems and start our new life in my home town without the weights or burdens of events from Tennessee.

B.C. ......before children

What was life like before I had children??? Im drawing a blank. I know there was alot of stayin up late and gettin up early but now that takes on a whole new meaning. Now, I find myself staying up late just to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet once the kids finally conk out, then im getting up early at the first sign of movement. Then my normally chaotic day starts. I wonder what life would be like with a kids energy?  OK, im getting off subject here, back to my life B.C.

I would be lieing if I said I didn't miss all the free time or freedom of life before mommy-hood but what I miss the most is ME. I had confidence that seems so ridiculous now. I knew what I wanted then, the dreams of being a famous singer were just that, dreams. Everyone wants to be someone when there younger. I sang for awhile in front of alot of people, Ive been on stage and thats who I was then. Now, I have 3 girls that sing, Summer gives it her best shot. I thought the Hannah Montana craze would never end but now, me and my girls break it down to things like Skynard or Paramore and of course the Dixie chicks but they crack me up when they are blastin Taylor Swift or Lady A in there bedroom. They are my audience now and that's fine with me, I believe God gave me these vocal cords for lullabies, and of course to annoy my hubby cuz what kind of wife would I be if I didn't do that? 

Now while I'm on the subject of me, another thing I really miss about myself is my BBB. Body before babies. It was far from perfect, but I felt good, not only about how I looked but health wise. I wouldnt have been caught dead in a 1 piece bathing suit, now im shoppin for the 1 with the MOST material and a skirt to go with. I hate trying on clothes with a passion that only a mother could understand. With that said, I wouldnt change anything, because my kids are healthy and happy and worth every stretch mark and pound Ive gained on this crazy journey. If I can be a mama (the hardest most rewarding job in the world) then I can lose weight. I guess what I am trying to say is this, I love my crazy dysfunctional chaotic life and wouldnt have it any other way but if I could go back and tell my 16 year old self just 1 thing, I would tell myself to make smarter food choices if I want to keep those jeans.

I want my girls to know me, the real me, the happy person I was before the xtra pounds, the person I know I am inside. I know they dont care how I look but I feel like when people look at me they are not seeing who I really am if that makes any sense at all. So, this is day 3 of my diet and I think im doing pretty good, yesterday I was 200 calories under my daily goal and exercised twice as hard as I did the day before, but the temptations of 2nd helpings will always be there. maybe putting this all out there for all of you will help me express my feelings rather that smother them in chocolate.

Leapfrog gadgets

A few days ago, I decided to get Rachel the Leapster2, Charly a VReader and River (my niece) scribbler to help her write the alphabet, the homeschool mama control freak in me wants everything my girls are doing throughout the day to be educational for when we dont have all day to do book or whatever. Rachel has zero patience and has been really ticked that  hers had to be taken back to walmart because the touch screen didnt work and now we are waiting to see if the new 1 does, if it doesnt I will be sure to let yall know just in case any of you were planning on getting it for your kids. The Vreader is awesome and will hopefully be a big help to us in our mission to teach Charly to read (shes in Kindergarten) also if you do buy these gadgets, dont bother buying the books to go with them because inside is a code to get most of them online instead of buying them for $20-$40 a piece, of course they dont tell you that on the box. 

Moving to West Virginia to finally be close to my family has been a challenge. Starting over somewhere new is hard on anyone and getting jobs when everywhere in town seemed to be laying off didnt make things any easier, but now that my hubby is workin after being the stay at home dad for the first time in our 9 years together, things are finally lookin up. This family has never been in the technology loop, I guess you could say up until 6 months ago I didnt even know what facebook was (yeah I know, hard to imagine life without it) the closest thing we had to something high tech. was a playstation that only worked when it felt like it.  So anyways we are finally trying to get caught up in the hoopla of computers, Wiis, and cell phones that slide!! I know what your thinken, weve been living under a rock, but really to be honest other things were more important. But now that we are finally in a good place in our lives, I think its ok to do a little sumthin extra for the kids and we are thinking about getting them a Nintendo DS just to say we love you. We have worked so hard to get where we are and finally be to a point where we dont have to constantly worry about what tomorrow will bring.

Yesterday I started my new fitness plan, and being a stay at home mom, that also homeschools, I was only able to workout when the kids could let me take a few minutes,it always seems like the second I start something the girls need me. I was able to do 20 minutes of boxing on the wii (158 calories burned) and later I was able to do 20 more bowling and playing tennis (100) that may not seem like alot, but im sure cleaning and chasing kids around my tiny apartment added up too, my pedometer said I walked 2000 steps, not alot but I have to admit, thats alot more than normal and not bad for being stuck in the house all day. I feel it in my arms that I must have done something yesterday because it feels like I bench pressed a hippo. I also had Special K for breakfast and lunch, drank ALOT of water and took a B12 vitamin and then had subway for dinner and that messed up all of my calorie counting for the day because by then I was starving to death, Have you seen the movie The Woman, where the model eats a napkin cuz shes hungry? Well I knew how she felt by 9 last night. Obviously im going about this all wrong. Chelsea on the other hand was told by the food tracker diary that she still had 500 calories to go! She ate the exact same things I did yesterday, besides the fact that she ate half her sub slowly and I hoovered down an entire foot long sub, in like 2 bites because thats what I do. I will not give up though, I will take an extra 1000 steps today even if that means after the girls go to bed tonight im out in the cold walking around the neighborhood. I may even go to the mall, nuthing like trying on clothes tiny enough for an anorexic to make ya wanna lose a few pounds.

Life

"There are those of us who are always about to live. We are waiting until things change, until there is more time, until we are less tired, until we get a promotion, until we settle down -- until, until, until. It always seems as if there is some major event that must occur in our lives before we begin living."
    I am very guilty of this. There are times when I have refused to spend the day at the park with the girls because my house needed cleaned up. Theres vacations we never took because we were to afraid to spend the money. When is it ok? Why would it be any different later? What are we waiting for? Some big flashing neon sign that says take a vacation? Its time to stop waiting and start doing. I know the girls will look back 1 day and I really want them to remember good times not that we could never do anything because there was chores to do.  I have also fell into the "mommy rut" where everything I have done for the last 8 years has revolved around my girls to the point where I have lost a little bit of myself along the way. Dont get me wrong I LOVE being a mother but I also need "me" time to be the best mama I can be.  
    Thats why im writing this blog, to address my problems and try to fix them. Weight issues and OCD are 2 things I have struggled with for awhile now. Now with that said, please oh sweet family of mine, no Interventions, or I told u so's. I have never claimed to be perfect.

Just a little sumthin

well, my peaceful morning was replaced by, mama im hungry, mama can I hold the baby, mama when can we play the wii? it was good while it lasted, I was able to start this blog before the chaos started and had some really nice quiet time. My cousin Julie stopped by, and was able to give me a few pointers on my weight loss journey (which is exactly what this is, im sure it will be frustrating at times but im ready) and i will hopefully be working out with her this Friday. I have also joined a sight called myfitnesspal.com to track all my food and excersise, hoping that if i keep track of my progress or lack there of, I may be able to stay motivated. Obviously this weight is not just gonna fall off so its time to do something about it. Im just glad that I have a really good support system, now when the hubby gets home and sees that ive replaced all our junk foods with health foods, he will probably be a little annoyed. But, he has never gained a pound in the 9 years weve been together, must be nice to stay the same size and never have to worry about finding clothes that will fit. I know that I will never have the body I had in highschool, I think its funny how back in the day I had insecurities about my looks and never felt good about myself and now I would do anything to get back to that weight. Instead of giving myself reasons why I cant, I will give myself reasons why I can. By the way, I highly recomend the Wii boxing game, I will be recovering tomorrow but in the long run  it will be worth it

Since today is the start of my diet and hopefully a new me, I thought it was perfect timing for me to start writing too, its something I enjoy and also something of my own just for me. Even if no one reads this, I think that maybe this will help me in some way.  So, as a mother of 3 girls, life is very interesting and sometimes very chaotic, for some reason this morning has been so peaceful. Dear Lord let it stay that way all day. 

I have asked my sister to help me get in shape (other than round) and at midnight last night we were at walmart buying supplies for this weight-loss plan hoping that it would lead to some kind of motivation. I will also be testing out the Wii fit, and posting my progress. I am very serious about getting in shape and I know its not gonna be easy. I have a feeling that by the time im thin, fat will be in.