Tornado mornings

After living in Tennessee most of my life, I have kinda got used to weird weather, it rains all the time there, sometimes its so hot out that you pray for rain and its lovely. Tornado watches or warnings are expected and gos with the territory. That is not a normal thing in WV. 
The first week we were here there was a tornado not to far away from where I live now, and I was told that it was a "once in a lifetime thing, or that never happens here" Me and Chelsea joked at the time that we must have brought them with us from TN. 

I have never once in my life been scared of a thunderstorm, sometimes a storm and a good book is all you need for a perfect evening. I've spent plenty of nights in the bathtub with a radio and snacks waiting it out, but this morning I was scared. Go figure the 1 day Summer decides to sleep in (the sound of rain must have helped) the winds start picking up and next thing I know Im sleepwalking to my front door because I hear my mama screaming help. I open the door and shes hanging on for dear life because the wind almost knocked her off my porch. 

Thats when I realized what we were dealing with. In a frenzie we gathered up the kids to rush them to my grandmas, next door. After growing up in Tn. we take black skies and strong winds very seriously and with 3 kids im not taking any chances. We knew it would be safer next door, just in case. The girls were scared and I dont blame them, it sounded like our roof was fixen to fly off.
Once we were next door and adrenaline wore down, we were laughing, that is until Rachel realized we forgot our cat Bella and Beta fish that weve had for years, poor Bubba got left behind too. 

I promised the girls that they would be okay but I was worried, we love Bella and I thought what a shame would it be for Bubba to live this long, survive the journey to WV in a Folgers can (which we forgot in the trunk for 2 days once we got here) and then die in some... freak tornado whatever in West by gosh Virginia.  I just couldnt let him go out like that.
 Just then my hubby made it home from work and we all came back up to the apt. together. Its silly now but I hope I never wake up like that again, I usually get to have a cup of coffee or 2 before the chaos starts.

shopping with kids

Today, my hubby and I thought we would take the kids shopping. It was awful, no point in sugar coatin it. The idea was to grab a quick bite to eat (options for something close to healthy at a fast food place are pretty limited), then we were going to search for a new couch. Im picky (that was the understatement of the century) and new that it would be an all day thing. I pretty much thought we were all on the same page when we left the house. But in normal Bowman style our plans NEVER work.

First I have to back track to lead up to the events of today. Yesterday my niece was sick, poor thing couldnt hold food down and was in bed all day. Not our normal River. So needless to say the girls were separated yesterday. This morning Chels woke up and couldnt find her phone, she searched everywhere, come to find out, it was at the bottom of little miss Rivers puke bucket (sorry if that was to much info) so chels wanted to meet up with us to go buy a new 1......Omygosh you woulda thought these kids hadnt seen eachother in years! Once the crew was reunited they bounced around every store like they had secret stashes of chocolate in there cute little purses.

You've seen it, the 1 crazy family in the store that lets everyone know they are there. That was us right smack dab in the middle of the fanciest furniture place I have ever seen, we thought it was an outlet store with couches in our price range, NOT. These couches were the kind that you dont sit on, they were decorations. My kids didnt think so, they plopped down on just about every one of them. Even though I knew it was dangerous for my girls to be around anything in that price range, I still wanted to walk around and look at all the stuff. Just for a few minutes I wanted to imagine what life would be like with furniture with Xtreme caution tape around it.

Usually my girls are good when we are out, but not today. About 2 hours into our little outing I couldnt help but just stop and cry in the car, I was so irritated. I have always been the kinda person that, if I want something done, I need it done today. Patience is not 1 of my strong points. After giving up on the idea of finding a couch it was time to pick up a few groceries. Taking 4 kids to walmart is always interesting but surprisingly it went ok, I even remembered to get milk, its very rare that I leave a store with what I actually went in to get. 

Tonights my husbands first night workin 3rd shift in awhile and the girls decided its time to party down and see how long they can stay up, but there plan will back fire. They will be waking up bright and early with there own special list of chores for the day. Mama laws in town.

Subway

Last night while me and chels were out running errands, our tummys started talkin (read somewhere that you aint supposed to eat til your stomach starts growling) so we decided to stop in at subway and split a wheat bread sub.    So there we were arguing over what we could and couldnt get on it and decided on wine vinegar dressing instead of our normal more goop and toppings sandwich. The "sandwich artist" behind the counter OBVIOUSLY new we were attempting to diet. So, what does he ask us while ringing us up???.... Would you girls like a cookie??? I have a feeling he has no clue how close he came to being physically injured over a simple question.  I literally imagined myself hopping over the counter and kicking him because yes I did want a cookie, I wanted that cookie more than anything, but I couldnt.   So, me and Chels sat outside in her car eating our delicious cardboard subs in peace and quiet when I know that both of our thoughts were on that warm gooey cookie less than 20 feet away.   This diet will probably be the hardest thing I will ever do.  My will power is running a little low.

Forgiveness

             "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. " 

I dont know who wrote that but I think that truer words have never been spoken. Ive been thinking about why I am struggling with my weight and realized that alot of pounds have been tacked on with comfort food.

Over the years I have let way to many people get to me, and I can look back and know exactly when it started. I have stayed so angry at people who probably have no idea they hurt me so bad or could care less for that matter, but all this time I have been letting them win by holding on to anger and stuffin it down with a bag of oreos or polishing off a bag of chips instead of talking to someone.   I need to forgive, but can I? A part of me wants revenge, for them to suffer, but the christian part of me wants to call these people up and tell them I love them regardless of how they feel or what they did, and pray for them. But at the same time, just thinken about the situation makes me angry all over again to the point where I know im not ready either way. Im just stuck in this endless teeter totter of love and hate.

You know that saying"everything happens for a reason"? Well when I look back at all that has happend, I dont see any reason behind it. And why, in all thats happend am I the only 1 who just cant let it go? I guess the person I need to forgive the most is myself.  I need to forgive myself for letting them hurt me and my family, I need to forgive myself for holding onto this hurt to the point where I have let it change who I am so drastically that its affected my attitude along with my weight. I guess the fact that its been 4 years and there has never been any closure to it, is 1 reason why it still bothers me this much.

The dixie chicks song "not ready to make nice" came out around the time my husband and I were struggling to keep our family together, when it felt like the odds were against us.  Music along with food has always been my therapy when times got tough, I felt like in some crazy way that song was written for me. I would blast it and cry my heart out, now I cant listen to it because it takes me back to that time. 

I realize theirs a very strong woman inside me that stood up for my babies but never stood up for myself. Its amazing what your capable of when the mama bear instincts kick in. We are fine now, no longer in "survival mode" but I'm not sure when I will fully be able to forgive, I should be over it by now, but im not.  I can think of all sorts of reasons to forgive and reasons why I just cant.      

All I do know is that if I am going to stay on this path of a better me, I need to tackle ALL of my problems and start our new life in my home town without the weights or burdens of events from Tennessee.

B.C. ......before children

What was life like before I had children??? Im drawing a blank. I know there was alot of stayin up late and gettin up early but now that takes on a whole new meaning. Now, I find myself staying up late just to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet once the kids finally conk out, then im getting up early at the first sign of movement. Then my normally chaotic day starts. I wonder what life would be like with a kids energy?  OK, im getting off subject here, back to my life B.C.

I would be lieing if I said I didn't miss all the free time or freedom of life before mommy-hood but what I miss the most is ME. I had confidence that seems so ridiculous now. I knew what I wanted then, the dreams of being a famous singer were just that, dreams. Everyone wants to be someone when there younger. I sang for awhile in front of alot of people, Ive been on stage and thats who I was then. Now, I have 3 girls that sing, Summer gives it her best shot. I thought the Hannah Montana craze would never end but now, me and my girls break it down to things like Skynard or Paramore and of course the Dixie chicks but they crack me up when they are blastin Taylor Swift or Lady A in there bedroom. They are my audience now and that's fine with me, I believe God gave me these vocal cords for lullabies, and of course to annoy my hubby cuz what kind of wife would I be if I didn't do that? 

Now while I'm on the subject of me, another thing I really miss about myself is my BBB. Body before babies. It was far from perfect, but I felt good, not only about how I looked but health wise. I wouldnt have been caught dead in a 1 piece bathing suit, now im shoppin for the 1 with the MOST material and a skirt to go with. I hate trying on clothes with a passion that only a mother could understand. With that said, I wouldnt change anything, because my kids are healthy and happy and worth every stretch mark and pound Ive gained on this crazy journey. If I can be a mama (the hardest most rewarding job in the world) then I can lose weight. I guess what I am trying to say is this, I love my crazy dysfunctional chaotic life and wouldnt have it any other way but if I could go back and tell my 16 year old self just 1 thing, I would tell myself to make smarter food choices if I want to keep those jeans.

I want my girls to know me, the real me, the happy person I was before the xtra pounds, the person I know I am inside. I know they dont care how I look but I feel like when people look at me they are not seeing who I really am if that makes any sense at all. So, this is day 3 of my diet and I think im doing pretty good, yesterday I was 200 calories under my daily goal and exercised twice as hard as I did the day before, but the temptations of 2nd helpings will always be there. maybe putting this all out there for all of you will help me express my feelings rather that smother them in chocolate.

Leapfrog gadgets

A few days ago, I decided to get Rachel the Leapster2, Charly a VReader and River (my niece) scribbler to help her write the alphabet, the homeschool mama control freak in me wants everything my girls are doing throughout the day to be educational for when we dont have all day to do book or whatever. Rachel has zero patience and has been really ticked that  hers had to be taken back to walmart because the touch screen didnt work and now we are waiting to see if the new 1 does, if it doesnt I will be sure to let yall know just in case any of you were planning on getting it for your kids. The Vreader is awesome and will hopefully be a big help to us in our mission to teach Charly to read (shes in Kindergarten) also if you do buy these gadgets, dont bother buying the books to go with them because inside is a code to get most of them online instead of buying them for $20-$40 a piece, of course they dont tell you that on the box. 

Moving to West Virginia to finally be close to my family has been a challenge. Starting over somewhere new is hard on anyone and getting jobs when everywhere in town seemed to be laying off didnt make things any easier, but now that my hubby is workin after being the stay at home dad for the first time in our 9 years together, things are finally lookin up. This family has never been in the technology loop, I guess you could say up until 6 months ago I didnt even know what facebook was (yeah I know, hard to imagine life without it) the closest thing we had to something high tech. was a playstation that only worked when it felt like it.  So anyways we are finally trying to get caught up in the hoopla of computers, Wiis, and cell phones that slide!! I know what your thinken, weve been living under a rock, but really to be honest other things were more important. But now that we are finally in a good place in our lives, I think its ok to do a little sumthin extra for the kids and we are thinking about getting them a Nintendo DS just to say we love you. We have worked so hard to get where we are and finally be to a point where we dont have to constantly worry about what tomorrow will bring.

Yesterday I started my new fitness plan, and being a stay at home mom, that also homeschools, I was only able to workout when the kids could let me take a few minutes,it always seems like the second I start something the girls need me. I was able to do 20 minutes of boxing on the wii (158 calories burned) and later I was able to do 20 more bowling and playing tennis (100) that may not seem like alot, but im sure cleaning and chasing kids around my tiny apartment added up too, my pedometer said I walked 2000 steps, not alot but I have to admit, thats alot more than normal and not bad for being stuck in the house all day. I feel it in my arms that I must have done something yesterday because it feels like I bench pressed a hippo. I also had Special K for breakfast and lunch, drank ALOT of water and took a B12 vitamin and then had subway for dinner and that messed up all of my calorie counting for the day because by then I was starving to death, Have you seen the movie The Woman, where the model eats a napkin cuz shes hungry? Well I knew how she felt by 9 last night. Obviously im going about this all wrong. Chelsea on the other hand was told by the food tracker diary that she still had 500 calories to go! She ate the exact same things I did yesterday, besides the fact that she ate half her sub slowly and I hoovered down an entire foot long sub, in like 2 bites because thats what I do. I will not give up though, I will take an extra 1000 steps today even if that means after the girls go to bed tonight im out in the cold walking around the neighborhood. I may even go to the mall, nuthing like trying on clothes tiny enough for an anorexic to make ya wanna lose a few pounds.

Life

"There are those of us who are always about to live. We are waiting until things change, until there is more time, until we are less tired, until we get a promotion, until we settle down -- until, until, until. It always seems as if there is some major event that must occur in our lives before we begin living."
    I am very guilty of this. There are times when I have refused to spend the day at the park with the girls because my house needed cleaned up. Theres vacations we never took because we were to afraid to spend the money. When is it ok? Why would it be any different later? What are we waiting for? Some big flashing neon sign that says take a vacation? Its time to stop waiting and start doing. I know the girls will look back 1 day and I really want them to remember good times not that we could never do anything because there was chores to do.  I have also fell into the "mommy rut" where everything I have done for the last 8 years has revolved around my girls to the point where I have lost a little bit of myself along the way. Dont get me wrong I LOVE being a mother but I also need "me" time to be the best mama I can be.  
    Thats why im writing this blog, to address my problems and try to fix them. Weight issues and OCD are 2 things I have struggled with for awhile now. Now with that said, please oh sweet family of mine, no Interventions, or I told u so's. I have never claimed to be perfect.

Just a little sumthin

well, my peaceful morning was replaced by, mama im hungry, mama can I hold the baby, mama when can we play the wii? it was good while it lasted, I was able to start this blog before the chaos started and had some really nice quiet time. My cousin Julie stopped by, and was able to give me a few pointers on my weight loss journey (which is exactly what this is, im sure it will be frustrating at times but im ready) and i will hopefully be working out with her this Friday. I have also joined a sight called myfitnesspal.com to track all my food and excersise, hoping that if i keep track of my progress or lack there of, I may be able to stay motivated. Obviously this weight is not just gonna fall off so its time to do something about it. Im just glad that I have a really good support system, now when the hubby gets home and sees that ive replaced all our junk foods with health foods, he will probably be a little annoyed. But, he has never gained a pound in the 9 years weve been together, must be nice to stay the same size and never have to worry about finding clothes that will fit. I know that I will never have the body I had in highschool, I think its funny how back in the day I had insecurities about my looks and never felt good about myself and now I would do anything to get back to that weight. Instead of giving myself reasons why I cant, I will give myself reasons why I can. By the way, I highly recomend the Wii boxing game, I will be recovering tomorrow but in the long run  it will be worth it

Since today is the start of my diet and hopefully a new me, I thought it was perfect timing for me to start writing too, its something I enjoy and also something of my own just for me. Even if no one reads this, I think that maybe this will help me in some way.  So, as a mother of 3 girls, life is very interesting and sometimes very chaotic, for some reason this morning has been so peaceful. Dear Lord let it stay that way all day. 

I have asked my sister to help me get in shape (other than round) and at midnight last night we were at walmart buying supplies for this weight-loss plan hoping that it would lead to some kind of motivation. I will also be testing out the Wii fit, and posting my progress. I am very serious about getting in shape and I know its not gonna be easy. I have a feeling that by the time im thin, fat will be in.