Jeans

       For a long time, I thought that maybe 1 of the worst things I could do as a mother, would be to pamper myself instead of the girls. By "pamper myself" I mean, shopping for clothes, or getting my hair done, or even a night out with my hubby or a girls night. I always rationalized not buying for myself by thinking of things the girls needed more. In the last couple weeks, I have struggled with this "focus on me" project of mine. My appearance is something that has bothered me for awhile now. I know I said earlier that when people look at me, I dont feel like they are really seeing ME. I don't want that to sound vain in some way, I just know that what I see when I look in the mirror, doesn't seem to reflect who I am.

         As a mama its hard to put yourself first sometimes. I have always felt that if there was something I needed, that it could wait. I remember my mama plenty of times going without, to make sure me and Chels had what we needed. Now knowing what she went through to make sure we were ok, I could kick myself for not being a little more appreciative. We complained so much that other kids had cooler clothes or better things, when really we were so blessed and didn't realize it then.

      Every parent wants their kids to have it better than they did. I don't mean that I had an awful childhood. Every family has their issues or problems. Life has its struggles. Im very grateful for how we were raised and I really hope that my kids can look back 1 day and say the same thing. We were raised with lots of love and....gasp..we didnt absolutely die from not having expensive jeans or sometimes the "it" clothes. We grew up knowing that no matter what life throws at you, it could only knock you down if you let it. To be really honest I dont think God or anyone else cares about what brand your jeans are. 

          So, when it comes to buying something for myself, the guilt kicks in, and I feel bad. I always ask myself whether or not its something I can live without. So, last week, even though I havent lost a single pound since I started this diet, I feel different. While at the mall (we were taking the girls out for the day) I looked at jeans. They were only supposed to be motivational. I was intentionally trying on jeans that I knew wouldnt fit until I had lost a few pounds. Well, they fit!!! For some freak of nature reason, they fit perfectly. So, standing in that dressing room, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "hey look at me, I shimmied into impossible jeans", it hit me that I couldn't possibly buy them. Im all about pinching pennies and I could use that money on something for the kids. Chelsea talked me into getting them, and im glad I did. If, im going to continue this diet, and focus on me, part of it, has to start with the way I feel about myself. And let me tell you, those jeans seriously helped my mood. Its not about the brand, its about the size. It was a present to ME for working so hard to be able to buy that size. It really wasnt a huge milestone or even a big deal, but, I felt in my heart a little pitter patter of hope, that the old me is in there somewhere and that hopefully someday soon, I will see her again.

     I see now, that it isnt the end of the world, if I focus on me. It not all about me but just because im a mom, that doesnt mean that I dont have needs or wants too. By taking care of myself or splurging occasionally on crazy jeans that make me feel good,  it will help me stay on this path to a happier healthier me.