rainy days

       Today has been awful. I literally had maybe an hour of sleep last night. Summer is cutting teeth, Rachel and Charly both woke up in the middle of the night from the thunderstorm, and it feels like all 3 kids are never asleep at the same time. Its very hard to keep up with them. Then I feel bad because I'm crabby and don't have the energy to play or hang out with them like we used to.  If it hadn't been for my mama watching the kids for me long enough to take a quick bath theres no telling when I would've had another chance to take one. And if she hadn't have brought the baby back up to the apt. while I was in there, there's a huge possibility I could've drowned. I am that tired that if I wouldve had a chance to relax that wouldve been all she wrote. Could you imagine..."woman drowns in bathtub from severe exhaustion" thats a headliner for ya.   

      Anyway, as you can see, I made it out alive and even managed to squeeze in a few minutes to tell ya'll about my day while Summers catchin some zzzz's.   I have been in the worst mood all day, partly from lack of sleep but maybe a little bit resentment of all the super mamas out there who can do it all and look beautiful doing it. I look like death when I wake up and sometimes I feel like theres not enough war paint in the world to get me ready for the day. Wouldnt have the energy to put it on anyways. But somehow I make it through the day, but I dont want to just survive my day, and count the hours til bed time, I want to enjoy every minute.  But most of the time I'm to tired to care if I have cereal in my hair or a marshmallow stuck to my butt (its happened), I have walked around for days with 1 eyebrow tweezed and finally realized I forgot to do the other 1. Whats wrong with me? Is it normal to be this tired?  

     Earlier today, even though its been raining off and on its been pretty warm outside and the girls have been playing. It started sprinkling again so I stepped outside to tell them to come in and they were dancing in the rain and Rachel reminded me of the time me, her and charly were painting with finger paints and just went crazy and started painting eachother. We were all on the front porch in birchwood, tn. And it had started to rain and we went and danced in it, painted head to toe in all different colors. We had a blast and even though they were so little they remember it. Im no fun anymore, and that makes me sad. My girls are so much fun and I feel like I am missing it, and I am with them all day every day. So anyways, I guess thats all for now, the munchkins awake again.

God

    These last few days have been a huge wake up call for me. After whats happened in Japan, I have thought about how precious time is, and how you just never know when your time will come. I have been to church but not enough. I have talked with my girls about God and what Jesus did for us but not enough. I dont want this to sound crazy but here it goes... Its made me think that maybe just maybe that all the signs in Revelations are happening, have been happening for awhile now and right now, its not to late to get our act together.  I am always the first to panic when things go bad, but somehow I think that right nows a good time to be seriously getting closer with God, whether its time for Jesus to come back or not, I dont wanna go through this crazy life without him. 

   I don't stop long enough sometimes to appreciate how very blessed I am.  We all gripe about how we want what other people have or get jealous that others have the "perfect" life. We complain about how hard our life is and forget about all the good things in life, like our healthy children or, tiny apartments, atleast its a home. Just the other day I saw a tent under the bridge on my way to the mall, somebody was sleeping out in the cold and I'm going to get my hair done?? And I complain about how awful I have it? We are all a little selfish sometimes, always wanting more when there is someone out there who dreams of what we have, and we take it for granted. I know my kids are safe when they go to bed tonight, but there is a mama out there somewhere that doesnt know where her baby is. My point is, God gave us the life we have for a reason. The least we could do is appreciate the simple blessings we get to have in it.

     For a long time I have been so angry. I have been hurt. I let that hurt change how I felt about things and for along time, I let that ruin my faith. I believed in him until everything went wrong and thats when I needed him the most. I havent lived the way I should have. God gives us tests, but gives us the answers if we listen, but I failed mine cuz I shut him out. Slowly I was able to put the past behind me and realized that he was right there with me all along.   Its really sad that it took an earthquake to make me stop and think.

    With everything going on in the world right now, its nice to know that I have the man upstairs on my side. 

thankful

  I had my first baby at 17 and from that day on my world changed. It wasnt about me anymore. The days of perfect jeans and LBd's were over, my brand of perfume was honeysuckle and spit up and to be honest I thought it was perfect and couldnt imagine what life was like before being a mother. My highlights or rare trips to get my hair done were over with and replaced by natural shimmery highlights that only kids can give you.

      Her father is my husband and we've had 2 more children together since then. The statistics were that we would be divorced by now. But we are still here, a team. Our main focus has always been the girls.

I have never been the perfect mother. I think every mama has those days where you just sit and imagine just 1 minute of peace and quiet, or a day without kids to just relax or even get things done that seem impossible when they are home and need something. But when I do get those few minutes or hours without the girls, im to exhausted to think about catching up on laundry or cleaning and im the kind of person that if everythings not where it should be, it makes me crazy. I have always wanted things to be a certain way, well, my way. Before I had kids, everything had its place. I feel like if the house is chaos, then life is chaos, and that we dont have control of any situation. I know that might sound a little crazy, but thats me.

   Its really amazing how becoming a mother changes you. In a way, I know that Rachel helped me grow up and showed me whats important in life. When Charly came along, that little angel taught me patience and quick reflexes when it comes to first aide. Little miss Summer has reminded me of just exactly how much I really took for granted sleep, and how even when she wakes up in the middle of the night and I look like a crazy person with bed head, rockin her and singing her back into dreamland, that I am loved. There is really nothing like holding a baby while they drift off to sleep. Its fascinating mixed with scary knowing that she depends on you to protect her from this crazy world we live in.

    My girls are precious and each 1 of them teach me something new everyday, when most of the time I try to be the teacher. I am so blessed and very thankful that God chose me to be their mama. I have been asked plenty of times if I regret becoming a mother so early, that I didnt have a chance to really live. Well, the way I see it is, meeting my husband and having Rachel, is what saved me at a time in my life when I was headed the wrong way.

   It hasnt been easy and we have had our share of bad times. But the good times definately outnumber the bad. Tonight, as we all snuggled up watching Tangled, Summer sawing logs in my arms, and the girls fighting over who had more blankets and munching down on trail mix, I thought to myself that life couldnt be more perfect.

 

Jeans

       For a long time, I thought that maybe 1 of the worst things I could do as a mother, would be to pamper myself instead of the girls. By "pamper myself" I mean, shopping for clothes, or getting my hair done, or even a night out with my hubby or a girls night. I always rationalized not buying for myself by thinking of things the girls needed more. In the last couple weeks, I have struggled with this "focus on me" project of mine. My appearance is something that has bothered me for awhile now. I know I said earlier that when people look at me, I dont feel like they are really seeing ME. I don't want that to sound vain in some way, I just know that what I see when I look in the mirror, doesn't seem to reflect who I am.

         As a mama its hard to put yourself first sometimes. I have always felt that if there was something I needed, that it could wait. I remember my mama plenty of times going without, to make sure me and Chels had what we needed. Now knowing what she went through to make sure we were ok, I could kick myself for not being a little more appreciative. We complained so much that other kids had cooler clothes or better things, when really we were so blessed and didn't realize it then.

      Every parent wants their kids to have it better than they did. I don't mean that I had an awful childhood. Every family has their issues or problems. Life has its struggles. Im very grateful for how we were raised and I really hope that my kids can look back 1 day and say the same thing. We were raised with lots of love and....gasp..we didnt absolutely die from not having expensive jeans or sometimes the "it" clothes. We grew up knowing that no matter what life throws at you, it could only knock you down if you let it. To be really honest I dont think God or anyone else cares about what brand your jeans are. 

          So, when it comes to buying something for myself, the guilt kicks in, and I feel bad. I always ask myself whether or not its something I can live without. So, last week, even though I havent lost a single pound since I started this diet, I feel different. While at the mall (we were taking the girls out for the day) I looked at jeans. They were only supposed to be motivational. I was intentionally trying on jeans that I knew wouldnt fit until I had lost a few pounds. Well, they fit!!! For some freak of nature reason, they fit perfectly. So, standing in that dressing room, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "hey look at me, I shimmied into impossible jeans", it hit me that I couldn't possibly buy them. Im all about pinching pennies and I could use that money on something for the kids. Chelsea talked me into getting them, and im glad I did. If, im going to continue this diet, and focus on me, part of it, has to start with the way I feel about myself. And let me tell you, those jeans seriously helped my mood. Its not about the brand, its about the size. It was a present to ME for working so hard to be able to buy that size. It really wasnt a huge milestone or even a big deal, but, I felt in my heart a little pitter patter of hope, that the old me is in there somewhere and that hopefully someday soon, I will see her again.

     I see now, that it isnt the end of the world, if I focus on me. It not all about me but just because im a mom, that doesnt mean that I dont have needs or wants too. By taking care of myself or splurging occasionally on crazy jeans that make me feel good,  it will help me stay on this path to a happier healthier me.
  

Coupons

Last Tuesday my mama talked me into going to a coupon class with her. I was very skeptical because I thought that it was a crock and a waste of time, I mean how hard is it to clip coupons and hand them over to a cashier if ya buy something on them???? Well let me tell ya, there is DEFINITELY a trick to it and I am very glad we went.

So, today, we thought we would try it out. We have been clipping coupons since the class and had them all sorted and organized to use them today, since Sundays are when sales start. So my, hubby kept the girls while we set out to test the coupon craze. Me, Chels and mama stopped at Mcdonalds to fuel up on coffee and to make sure our coupons were loaded onto our Kroger card.  I am usually strictly Walmart ( I love that store, so I felt a little traitorous going to Kroger) Now, before that class, I wasn't to proud or embarassed to use coupons I just thought it was a waste of time and effort, but with a family of 5 and my husband carrying the burden of bills since I dont work (well if you can call raising 3 girls not working), I think that if I can pinch a penny, I should. So while sitting there at mickeydees we joked about how this was crazy and we should give up and go home, that there were just to many and it was very overwhelming.    

We didnt chicken out and walked into that store thinking that there was no way this could actually work but, at check out, I thought  I was gonna faint and surely there would be pics of me up the next time I came in there. I feel like I was paid to take some of it home. I felt like there was no possible way that the total was right. I got a $6.... 24 pack of charmin tp for free, wipes for the baby for free, and my total was $197 before coupons, once I swiped my Kroger card and handed him the coupons, it was $109.   I cant believe all this time I have been buying groceries, when they will practically give them to you!   Every single thing that I bought with coupons, I was going to buy anyways so why not save some money?

Times are tough. I sincerely hope you will try this out, you will kick yourself for not doing it sooner. 

couponcoach@groups.facebook.com

Reading

As a stay at home full time 24/7 mama, I have moments sometimes good, sometimes bad, that make me stop and think about whether I am doing this job, that God gave me, right. Before I had the baby, me, Rachel and Charlybug had a system that worked for us, a routine. After welcoming little miss Summer into our family 6 months ago, our world was turned upside down with dirty diapers and zero sleep, and ooey gooey sweetness. My girls are perfectly imperfect and I am so blessed. 

I home school, and with 3 kids, it has been a challenge. After having the baby, I kind of turned her into a "home school experience" for the girls and having the chance to sit down with them to do book work has been next to impossible. Summer is spoiled rotten (every baby should be) and requires constant attention, she wants eye contact or the fit starts. She is in my lap right now and im actually starting to be able to type pretty good 1 handed :)  Anyways, back to my point ( I get side tracked a lot) the girls and I fit in school time whenever we can, I kind of put my faith in the idea that as long as we were living a "learning lifestyle" that this would work out. We even learned a little French and German together.

 During my pregnancy, I stayed so sick that we did all our work in bed, cuddled up. Me and Rachel took turns reading to Charly. Even though she wasnt in school yet, I took every opportunity to include her while me and Rachel conquered first grade. Now that Charly is in kindergarten, reading has been our main focus, and its something that the girls can do together, if I am preoccupied with the baby. 

Tonight in honor of Dr. Seuss birthday, we thought it would be fun to set up camp in the living room, bake cookies and read some of his books. Rachel read 1 out loud so Charly wanted her turn. I didnt want to tell her no, but I figured that we still have a lot of work to do in that area. I have struggled to learn the right way to teach her to read. She picked up the book and told me she could do it, and she did!! She read me the entire book. Proud is an understatement for how I felt.   

The Vreader I got for her just a week ago has made such a huge difference, I wish I would have had it sooner. Every home school mama has their own method of how they choose to do things. Somehow, I just know that I have done something right. It may not sound like much, it was just 1 book, but to me it means so much. I havent been a complete slacker when it comes to their schooling, but I feel like its never enough. But right now I feel like if I can teach a child to read, the sky is the limit.

Dont quit

Yesterday, I felt pretty bad after steppin on that scale and realizing that nothings changed. But after pep talks from a few friends and a "drill sergeant" quote from my sis ("You can scream, yell, swear, shout, cry, whimper, grunt, bleed, puke and pass out. JUST DON'T QUIT!")  that made me laugh I knew that I was a little unreasonable thinken that this would be so easy and the pounds would just melt off just from squeezing a few minutes a day in on the wii fit, and staying away from chocolate and pops and salt and vinegar chips (which by the way sound heavenly right now)..ok getting sidetracked thinken about food.    Here is a cute little poem about dieting....

Don't Quit

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,
And you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about being healthy and thin.
So What! You went over your points a bit,
It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!
It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change.
It's learning the skills to get back in your range.
It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow."
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal.
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,
If you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when loosing their grip,
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done,
that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,
but facing each challenge will help you grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it....But don't you quit!
- Author Unknown

Discouragement

Today has really not been good for me. I have tried so hard this week to to stay away from bad foods. I gave up drinking pop which has been really hard and Ive completely cut out sugar ( well besides the 100 calorie packs which have about 2 cookies in them, but I was only having 1 a day) Instead of burgers if we are out and stop to eat, its been grilled chicken and salads with wine vinegar dressing. I have been drinking lots of water and when I felt like I just had to eat something I have had a cup (instead of a bowl) of Special K. Every day this week I have stuck with 1200 calories a day. I have come nowhere close to eating as much as I was before I started this diet.

Me and chels thought it was time to weigh ourselves just out of curiosity and I have gained weight! How does that happen? What I want to do right now is just go get an xtra large pizza with every topping you can think of and just polish off the whole thing by myself. Starving myself all week has been completely pointless. To make it 10 times worse, Chels has lost weight since we started this diet together. I am happy for her, I really am, but I am the 1 thats 40 pounds overweight. 

Im not asking for sympathy, dont get me wrong, I know I am the 1 who got myself this way. I just know that I am not exactly sitting on my butt all day whining about being fat, I am up and trying to do something about it and I gain weight????

So, after crying for a good 15 minutes and resisting the urge to head straight to the fridge, I started doing some research and asked Chelsea to go the store to pick up a few things so I can make sure this week is different.

               http://www.nowloss.com/foods-not-to-eat-when-trying-to-lose-weight-dieting.htm

Here are just a few quotes I found while looking for weight loss tips....

To put food and weight behind you, you will need to choose life. Choosing life means showing up with your full presence in the world. Permanent weight loss is the work of opening your heart to all that is good in you and in the world.  It means living a life of gratitude. When you feel better, you eat better. 

Discouragement

  "If you've invested enough effort and energy to get discouraged, you're well on your way to success. Discouragement is a certain weigh station on the road to any worthwhile achievement.
   If you know and care enough to be discouraged, you've made considerable progress. Learn what the discouragement has to teach you and then continue moving forward. It may seem as though you'll never make it, but in reality you're already there. Discouragement tempers and hardens you; it does not stop you.
   Reflect on your discouragement and you'll discover that it is a result of your commitment. You've already invested your time, your effort, your life. Soon, you'll reap the full reward of that investment. Let discouragement spur you on.
   Motivation is born of desire. The stronger the desire for something, the stronger the motivation.    Endeaver to keep the promises we make to ourselves... We deserve to be treated with the same love and respect that we would give to others....."