Forgiveness

             "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. " 

I dont know who wrote that but I think that truer words have never been spoken. Ive been thinking about why I am struggling with my weight and realized that alot of pounds have been tacked on with comfort food.

Over the years I have let way to many people get to me, and I can look back and know exactly when it started. I have stayed so angry at people who probably have no idea they hurt me so bad or could care less for that matter, but all this time I have been letting them win by holding on to anger and stuffin it down with a bag of oreos or polishing off a bag of chips instead of talking to someone.   I need to forgive, but can I? A part of me wants revenge, for them to suffer, but the christian part of me wants to call these people up and tell them I love them regardless of how they feel or what they did, and pray for them. But at the same time, just thinken about the situation makes me angry all over again to the point where I know im not ready either way. Im just stuck in this endless teeter totter of love and hate.

You know that saying"everything happens for a reason"? Well when I look back at all that has happend, I dont see any reason behind it. And why, in all thats happend am I the only 1 who just cant let it go? I guess the person I need to forgive the most is myself.  I need to forgive myself for letting them hurt me and my family, I need to forgive myself for holding onto this hurt to the point where I have let it change who I am so drastically that its affected my attitude along with my weight. I guess the fact that its been 4 years and there has never been any closure to it, is 1 reason why it still bothers me this much.

The dixie chicks song "not ready to make nice" came out around the time my husband and I were struggling to keep our family together, when it felt like the odds were against us.  Music along with food has always been my therapy when times got tough, I felt like in some crazy way that song was written for me. I would blast it and cry my heart out, now I cant listen to it because it takes me back to that time. 

I realize theirs a very strong woman inside me that stood up for my babies but never stood up for myself. Its amazing what your capable of when the mama bear instincts kick in. We are fine now, no longer in "survival mode" but I'm not sure when I will fully be able to forgive, I should be over it by now, but im not.  I can think of all sorts of reasons to forgive and reasons why I just cant.      

All I do know is that if I am going to stay on this path of a better me, I need to tackle ALL of my problems and start our new life in my home town without the weights or burdens of events from Tennessee.